The Ultimate Steampunk Robots (2018 Review)
By Steampunk Origins | Updated Oct 26, 2018
What comes to mind when you think of a Steampunk robot? Dastardly invaders from out of space? Or perhaps a trusted friend built from bolts? The rise of the new slave force? Or The adventures of Sherlock Holmes as he attempts to teach robot Watts-son how to take his super computer brain and organise it in a way that is constructive and helpful.
Steampunk Robots For Sale Quick Review
|Product||Best For||Our Rating|
|1. Jane Stone||Style|
|2. The ROKR||Versatility|
|3. The Fisherman||Durability|
Top Choice: Jane Stone
Dangerous cute, if Jane Stone is the new Sky Net then we’re all in trouble.
1. Jane Stone
2. The ROKR
Unfortunately, the modern robot isn’t half as interesting as its fictional counterpart. Sure, we have killer drones, driving you to tears as they shoot through your window only to ask you to sign for your boxset of The Two Ronnies (source), but as for terrestrial robots things are looking bleak, which might be a good thing considering how fictional robots tend to bring about the end of the World.
For the DIYers, creators and art lovers, here is a majestic little robot to give you some creative inspiration for your next project:
Steampunk Robot Review
When it comes to robotic assistants it’s hard to see past the ROKR.
The ROKR provides you with the chance to own your own B-9 (source) robot with those added elements of Steampunk allowing your little laser cut ROKR to not only shout “Danger, Will Robinson!” but to do so in a British accent while attempting a clunky Dick Van Dyke dance along Victorian rooftops (source).
Not only does the ROKR double as a friend, it’s secondary function is as a music box. Imagine scrawling on parchment with your favourite quill, berating yourself on leaving it so close to your next LARP (source) session while your little laser-made friend fills the room with the sound of Frank Valli and the Four Seasons (source). Quite fitting as the voyeurs from the fifth-dimension rattle away under their galactic-stained trench coats while you make yourself some breakfast.
If you’re not interested in the B-9 shape then don’t worry. ROKR has you covered with moustache rabbits, a clockwork…dog? A Philip Reeves mobile clock (source), and a floating Soviet apartment (source). ROKR has your Steampunk Christmas covered, or perhaps you’d like the whole collection to start some kind of Steampunk sitcom.
- A variety of styles
- Work of art
- Less than twenty reviews
- Prone to breaking if dropped or assaulted by a bored cat
We all need that special someone face to brighten our day.
Tough and sturdy, the Fisherman is a throwback to another time when art can be as deadly as it is desirable. The sort of thing you’d expect to find in back room of some old shop you never noticed before.
What’s more cool than having your very own robot? Having one that can produce light, which the Fisherman has you covered as his face is in fact a lightbulb. What’s more cool than having a robot with a lightbulb for a face? How about a robot with a lightbulb for a face that likes to fish? Whether something to do on its downtime or perhaps the kind of Artificial Intelligence that likes to throw out a few lines while you’re trying to defuse political tension amongst the pond people.
- Despite being soulless still likes to engage in leisure activities
- Has no hands, which means if in the unlikely chance it is a real robot it’s not going to strangle you in your sleep
- Lots of important technical information
- Do we really want robots to think they can just go about fishing all day?
- The robot’s face may explode when his filament goes, creating an awkward moment as you explain in A&E that your face is full of glass because you were having an argument and your robots retort was to blow his face off
Dangerous cute, if Jane Stone is the new Sky Net then we’re all in trouble.
Jane Stone gives you the opportunity to take your little robot buddy wherever you need to go. A cute little robot draped around your neck, what could go wrong? Well, what if this is exactly what Jane Stone wants? To get us to drop our guard by selling these little box figures, tied with a leather chord that slides through a hole in their head, those soulless eyes peering out into a world of biological chaos.
Just to make sure everyone’s on the same page, nobody’s saying that Jane Stone is a company of robots planning world domination, one cute robot at a time, or in fact, a company run by robots, with their management team shaking in the boardroom as their robot overlords express their displeasure through a cold metallic voice as poisonous gas seeps through the vents.
Nobody knows what’s going on at Jane Stone, and we’re all sure that if asked they’d say that everything is perfectly fine, which is what they’d have to say, isn’t it? Still, if the human race is going to come tumbling down then I think we can all agree that there are worse ways to go than being strangled by cute little neck robots.
- Opposable arms
- Great user ratings
- Comes with a long chord, preventing the robot from crushing your windpipe with its teeny-weeny claws
- Why does a neckless need opposable arms?
- Is it just me or is there a tiny spark of evil in those black eyes?
The Squid is as slick as it is stylish.
With the rise in population and climate change it’s only a matter of time before the oceans swallow geography as we know it. Unfortunately, plastics and pollution will kill off most aquatic life, but thanks to a rise in Conservation-Engineers we will get to see some remarkable cyber animals before we vanish under a boiling tidal wave.
The Squid provides a look into the kinds of creatures that will plague the last days for humanity as we try to start over on our blow-up cities. Five stars and a reasonable price gives you the chance to get some good luck with our evolutionary successor, while its polyresin craftsmanship lets us throw it off the roof should the existential dread prove too much.
- About as Steampunk as you can get
- Relatively cheap just in case you want to get back at our squiddy overlords
- Lack of variation
- Brings a slight pessimistic air to an otherwise positive genre
The Steamskull will have you screaming ‘Alas poor Yorrick! I knew him, Horatio’ like never before.
Do you want to set up a Steampunk Shakespeare theatre company? Then perhaps you could use some Steamskull in your life. You don’t get more homeopathic than building a robot out of natural resources. Macabre, weird, and quite sinister, the Steamskull fulfils all the roles of regular robot, only now it does so with an air of impending doom.
Why someone would turn a skull into a robot is up for a matter of debate. Perhaps it’s the ultimate act to take upon an enemy (tell me to use a coaster mat, Susan!) or perhaps it’s the Steampunk equivalent of having your animal stuffed “Dad would have wanted to be the top half of a dead monkey butler.”
- Is very reasonably priced
- Weird (in a good way)
- Perfect for a to-scale hat rack
- Weird (in a bad way)
- Fairly tacky
Our Favorite Robot Friend
In conclusion, when it comes to robots the biggest negative is that while the Steampunk community is hopeful, the current state of robots are far from assistants, or ready to come on an adventure, certainly the kinds of robots you’ll get on Amazon.
The robots mentioned here are decorative. All but the Jane Stone are going to be house-bound. Save the Steamskull if you’re into amateur dramatics and wouldn’t mind risking assault with a deadly weapon, if you lose your temper with a heckler.
All are reasonably priced and offer different styles to pull the attention of all manner of robot fanatics, looking for a good jump point to start building their robot army. Whether wanting to take your Jane Stone robot wherever you need to go, like a Steampunk dreamcatcher, or an aquatic decorative piece to add to your Steampunk Little Mermaid art, here’s a great place to start.
Remember that the choice— as always —is yours.